How many bona fide, ‘in the trenches’ friends do you feel you have? Most people disclose that they have less than five, and many said two or three. Does this resonate with your situation?
Also, it was usually granted that bona fide friends make life more momentous, and when times are harsh, these friends may be the difference between surviving reasonably psychologically unscathed or going down the gurgler! Therefore, it is crucial to develop these friendships as they can be crucial to one’s lasting joy and happiness.
So what constitutes a fantastic friend compared to a good friend or an associate?
Most people agree on some character traits of a good friend:
1. You are able to trust each other which means that you have no secrets and you honor your pledges, you are always sincere.
2. You can rely on each other for help when you are in some manner of difficulty but this might not necessarily contain every manner of backing – e.g. financial
3. You may not see each other frequently but when you do catch up it is just like the previous time you met
4. First-class friends appear to feel when you are concerned or not feeling well, and will take the initiative to inquire if there is a difficulty, and will continue asking until they are satisfied you are okay.
Now we come to the ‘crunch’ – what elevates a friend from being a good one to being a first rate one?
The answer is one important and essential feature. It's called “TOUGH LOVE”. This one quality can truly change your life
This means loving sufficiently to supply feedback that may produce grief in the short term but will be beneficial in the long term. Tough love is being willing to utter what a person NEEDS to hear rather than what they WANT to hear! This can represent advising a friend to alter a behaviour, attitude, belief or value that is harming them or making them unhappy.
This characteristic is also called compassion. This doesn't mean softness or lovey dovey feelings. Compassion can be tough, virtually brutal when required. It comes from love, but can be offensive, shocking you out of contentment when all other methods have failed.
Why is tough love so essential? Because it puts others requirements before selfishness. Instead of trying not to offend because we fear losing their friendship, we state what they need to hear for their own benefit rather than remaining silent. The fear of losing friends often stops us doing the right thing since we are acting in self interest.
The Correct Way to Provide Loving Criticism
It's important to go by certain ground rules when providing this kind of courageous advice so your friend doesn't feel judged. Great friends appear to comprehend this instinctively:
Begin by saying something like ‘John, I have something valuable to say that may assist you. Are you interested to hear it? It is coming from my concern for you as a very dear friend and I know if I were you I would desire to know. If I have my information incorrect I'll apologise right away. But please listen to what I have to reveal before responding. OK?’
If they are amenable to the advice, then away you go. But be sensible and follow this process in your response:
1. State the exact issues that you believe are causing problems
2. Note the harmful outcome on the friend’s life
3. Make recommendations to your friend on how the issue might be resolved.
For instance
John, for a long time now, you have told me you detest your employment. You blame your manager, or your tedious work, but you don’t take accountability for making that choice or doing something about it.
This is making you miserable, even despondent, and I dislike seeing you so unhappy.
You have several talents and passions and successful work experiences that could unlock other doors for you and make you a happier, more resourceful person. You could begin your own business, or find better employment by marketing yourself directly to a short list of preferred employers. I'll do anything I can to assist by referring you to people I know, or helping you establish your own business!
Would you feel comfortable giving this kind of criticism to a friend? Would your friends give you this kind of advice? If so, you know these friends can make your life much more worthwhile.
Gary Hipworth is a life planning consultant who believes that all people are capable of being their own life coach. For this purpose he created Superlife Life Planning Software to help you discover how to change your life
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